Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on.

Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains have been cancelled and the army has been put on standby following the news.

The UK government is said to be particularly concerned as this follows a widely circulated rumour that a grandmother in Doncaster got a second blanket out of the loft, though reports that she has also put her cardigan on have been debunked as fake news.

“Me and our six kids were huddling around a candle for warmth.” Steve Dickinson’s wife Barbara told The Rochdale Herald.

“I was half hoping that Steve would light the candle it were that cold. I wasn’t expecting him to turn the central heating on.”

“That hasn’t happened since our dog died of exposure in the living room during the Big Freeze of 1963. I didn’t know the boiler still worked.”

“It got that warm in the living room that the ice on the windows melted and we were able to take our gloves off.”

Steve has been sectioned for his own protection under the mental health act by authorities in Rochdale.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.