Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway.

A team of scientists from Rochdale’s Community University found that people who ate fruit, went for a jog, didn’t smoke and drank no alcohol were exactly as likely to die as chain smoking drunks and fatties.

“The findings are worrying.” One researcher told the Rochdale Herald. “In one extreme case a bloke died of a boredom induced cardiac arrest just talking about how little alcohol he drank, how he had never even tried a cigarette and the benefits of a meat free diet.”

“Pretty much everything is bad for you, or good for you depending upon which day you’re reading the news. Last year butter was bad for you and this year it’s good for you.”

“I research this stuff and I’m pretty bored by it all. Fortunately I smoke twenty a day and I’m rarely sober, I’m taking no chances.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.