Piers Morgan quits Good Morning Britain to reprise Pigeon Lady role in Home Alone...

Piers Morgan has reportedly quit Good Morning Britain this week in order to reprise his award-winning role of Pigeon Lady in the Home Alone movie franchise. Following the success...
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling wins Turner Prize for dystopian work “Railway Timetable in May”

The Turner Prize committee has announced that this year's prize will be awarded to Chris Grayling for his dystopian work, "Railway Timetable in May". A committee member told us, "This work is profound. There is...

Kevin the Carrot beheaded by Muslims.

Popular TV carrot Kevin was among a bag of carrots snatched from the Oldham branch of Aldi by ruthless Muslim gang the 'Iqbal family'. The gang carried out the audacious snatch at lunchtime yesterday, making...

Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle should settle rift with bikini jelly wrestling demand Daily...

Daily Express readers have today demanded that Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton settle their differences with a bout of bikini jelly wrestling. Express reader, Ian Blind told us, "The people have spoken. It's our will...
Crocodile does bushtucker trial on I'm a Celebrity

East goes west in latest Celebrity Bushtucker Trial

"I'm pleased to have played my part though I won't be joining camp for dinner. I'm stuffed."

Gary Glitter releases Christmas single, In the Brownies

Gary Glitter is releasing a new single in time for the Christmas number 1 battle. The song, a cover version of "In the Brownies" is Glitter's first new material for 3 decades. A spokesman said, "This...

Rupert Murdoch suffers “health event”- His heart starts beating for the first time in...

Rupert Murdoch's heart starts beating for the first time in 20 years. It scared the 350-year-old man so much he almost fell into his swimming pool filled with money. For the first time in...
The Stig

Muslim women swap burkas for Stig costumes, to appeal to middle aged white men

A new experimental initiative has seen numerous British Muslim women swap their traditional full face veils for an outfit made popular by Top Gear's 'The Stig.' The aim of the trial is to make both...

Robbie Williams comes undone at World Cup opening ceremony

Robbie Williams finds himself in trouble after giving the finger to fans at World Cup opening ceremony after repeatedly being asked to sing 'This Charming Man' by local fans. Former fat dancer from Take That...
Bono

Campaign to buy Bono a Rolex stunning success

A Kickstarter campaign to buy Bono a £15,000 Rolex watch has been hailed as an astounding success by the man who started. Bill Board told us, "I didn't think it would work. I wanted to...
Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger calls out Jamie Oliver after cereal box slur

Celebrity spotters and various other people with naff all better going on in their lives were feverishly screaming over rumours of a celebrity feud reaching breaking point this morning. The feud erupted after it emerged...

Civil rights group shocked after Ant McPartlin sentenced to watching Britain’s Got Talent

Prisoners' rights group, Liberty, protested against the harsh treatment of Ant McPartlin in a strongly worded text to The Rochdale Herald today after the cheeky Geordie piss-head was sentenced to watch Britain's Got Talent...
Ant and Dec

Ant McPartlin forced to have Anti-Drink-Driving Billboard attached to Forehead as Punishment for DUI

London, England- Embroiled host Ant McPartlin will be hosting something new. While waiting to see what the final outcome of his DUI arrest, Ant McPartlin will be required to sport a billboard on his...
Ant and Dec

Ant and Dec to serve 6 months in Wormwood Scrubs together as judge couldn’t...

Comedy duo and twin brothers Ant and Dec are to serve a six month sentence together in Wormwood Scrubs prison. The unusual move has come after Ant McPartlin crashed his car and failed a breath...

Oscars goodie bag to include DNA evidence gathering kits

Celebrities will be receiving goodie bags at the Oscars with kits for collecting and preserving DNA in them. The goodie bags, given to Oscar winners and other attendees usually contain free gifts such as holidays,...

Ketty Hopkins joins GB equestrian team

Horse faced professional turd and former Daily Mail columnist Katie Hopkins has apparently been offered a new job by the GB olympic equestrian team. Katie, the former Apprentice contestant and Jungle evictee who lost her...

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