Sunday, December 16, 2018
Bono

Campaign to buy Bono a Rolex stunning success

A Kickstarter campaign to buy Bono a £15,000 Rolex watch has been hailed as an astounding success by the man who started. Bill Board told us, "I didn't think it would work. I wanted to...
Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger calls out Jamie Oliver after cereal box slur

Celebrity spotters and various other people with naff all better going on in their lives were feverishly screaming over rumours of a celebrity feud reaching breaking point this morning. The feud erupted after it emerged...

Civil rights group shocked after Ant McPartlin sentenced to watching Britain’s Got Talent

Prisoners' rights group, Liberty, protested against the harsh treatment of Ant McPartlin in a strongly worded text to The Rochdale Herald today after the cheeky Geordie piss-head was sentenced to watch Britain's Got Talent...
Ant and Dec

Ant McPartlin forced to have Anti-Drink-Driving Billboard attached to Forehead as Punishment for DUI

London, England- Embroiled host Ant McPartlin will be hosting something new. While waiting to see what the final outcome of his DUI arrest, Ant McPartlin will be required to sport a billboard on his...
Ant and Dec

Ant and Dec to serve 6 months in Wormwood Scrubs together as judge couldn’t...

Comedy duo and twin brothers Ant and Dec are to serve a six month sentence together in Wormwood Scrubs prison. The unusual move has come after Ant McPartlin crashed his car and failed a breath...

Oscars goodie bag to include DNA evidence gathering kits

Celebrities will be receiving goodie bags at the Oscars with kits for collecting and preserving DNA in them. The goodie bags, given to Oscar winners and other attendees usually contain free gifts such as holidays,...

Ketty Hopkins joins GB equestrian team

Horse faced professional turd and former Daily Mail columnist Katie Hopkins has apparently been offered a new job by the GB olympic equestrian team. Katie, the former Apprentice contestant and Jungle evictee who lost her...

‘Human Ken Dodd’ reveals inspiration behind unique look

After undergoing five surgeries, changing his name by deed poll and buying a feather duster, there's no denying that Barry Conroy now bears more than a passing resemblance to his hero, Ken Dodd. "I got...
Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn wins prestigious Tony Blair peace prize

Jeremy Corbyn has been awarded the prestigious Tony Blair peace prize and the Rochdale Herald is the only news outlet to report it. The prize recognises Mr Corbyn's contribution over 20 years to the Northern...

Chris Rea spends second night in Charnock Richards Services.

Gravel-voiced guitar stalwart, Chris Rea, is still trying to get home for Christmas this year, after the 'Road to Hell' star's head gasket went at Charnock Richards Services. Rea, who could have sworn he had...

Julian Assange plans quiet Christmas at home

Julian Assange has confirmed that he will be having a quiet Christmas at home this year. In a telephone call Mr Assange told us, "It's been a tiring year. In the summer I stood...

Attention seeker Brian Harvey arrested after sending himself abusive Tweets

Former East 17 Band member and serial own foot shooter Brian Harvey is said to be in trouble with the police over alleged malicious Tweeting. The runty Rottweiler once fronted the Poundland version of...
Morrissey

Charles Manson was just a bit excitable claims Morrissey

Mancunian pastry product Morrissey has upped the ante on his recent efforts to mitigate the minor fondlings of Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein by reportedly and fictionally claiming notorious cult leader Charles Manson was...
Snowman

Aled Jones touched my carrot, claims Snowman

Aled Jones, 46-year-old presenter of Songs Of Praise and former choirboy, was suspended by The BBC today following allegations of 'inappropriate conduct'. The allegations are reported to have been made by former acting star, The...

Bono reveals that a Lithuanian shopping centre was what he was looking for

U2 lead singer, Bono has announced that most of U2's songs are about his need to avoid tax. Bono is alleged to have told the owner of a Lithuanian shopping centre that a Lithuanian shopping...

Safety fears for Peter André.

Fears are growing for the safety of shiny mannequin Peter André, after he failed to appear on the cover of this month's OK Magazine. Concerned readers had to make do instead with an...

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