Using an impressive combination of stealth, sneakiness and bare-faced cheek, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has trounced both his opponents and his pursuers to claim victory in the 2020 season of Channel 4’s hit reality series Celebrity Hunted.
The show in which contestants go on the run for a month and attempt to evade capture by ex-police, intelligence officers and chase teams in blacked-out 4×4’s has gripped viewers since 2015. Despite having access to the fugitives’ personal data, ANPR. CCTV and other powers of state, the hunters led by the Investigative Journalist and ex-detective Mark Wiliiams-Thomas, couldn’t even get close to the elusive Johnson.
“It was astonishing!” said Williams-Thomas, “We had trackers on his bank cards, mobile phone and Twitter account. We even had drones over Chequers. I’ve never encountered such a devious bastard in my life!”
“We though Johnny Mercer was brazen when he sneaked in and out of Parliament to vote, but we’d expect such things from a trained soldier. Mercer can’t hold a candle to Johnson though. We staked out five COBRA meetings following information that the PM generally attends these during national emergencies, but it appears he was tipped off and didn’t show. He was thumbing his nose at us live on the BBC one morning. Our snatch squad was there within minutes and thought they had him surrounded only to watch him vanish into a fridge. They checked the fridge and he had gone, fuck knows where. Probably Narnia or Diagon Alley or somewhere equally magical.”
Johnson’s crowning moment was undoubtedly when he checked into St Thomas’s Hospital in London. Amid blanket media coverage he managed to vanish in plain sight for three whole days while the hunters posted teams on every exit. “We had to step back that time.” admitted Williams-Thomas. “We knew exactly where he was, but obviously we couldn’t just run in and grab him. The NHS staff were stressed enough as it was without us barging in and causing a scene. Turns out he was playing possum and we fell for it. Genius!”
After that, the trail went cold. Johnson’s Twitter account fell silent and he simply disappeared without trace with his pregnant partner. It is unclear whether he made it to the extraction point, but as nobody seems to know where that is, it’s safe to assume he did.
“We give up.” sighed the exasperated Williams-Thomas. “We’re really fed up with chasing shadows and have to concede that the best man won. We probably won’t do another series as frankly, this was an embarrassment. Wanker!”