Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Unfortunately, Jimmy Carr survives breakthrough surgery

With great regret, surgeons at Kings College London have released a statement confirming the successful operation to remove a rogue dog toy squeaker that had been mysteriously lodged in Jimmy Carr's windpipe for years. One...

Kevin the Carrot beheaded by Muslims.

Popular TV carrot Kevin was among a bag of carrots snatched from the Oldham branch of Aldi by ruthless Muslim gang the 'Iqbal family'. The gang carried out the audacious snatch at lunchtime yesterday, making...

Twitter explodes after banning racist for racism after warning him not to be racist...

The social media platform Twitter is going bonkers today after permanently banning a user for inciting an abusive racist attack on a fellow Twitter user after being repeatedly told not to on several occasions. Renowned...

Jeremy Vine in road rage incident.

Television and radio opinion blower Jeremy Vine was subjected to a road rage incident while cycling to work in London yesterday.  He was followed and accosted by the driver of a car who believed he...

Some bloke from the 90’s announces his “new name”

Some bloke that you sort of remember from the 1990's but you can't really remember why has stepped up his irrelevance by announcing a new name for himself to his Twitter following of junior...

Meat Loaf isn’t dead

Apparently Meat Loaf isn't dead and has a new album coming out, on account of still being alive. The big breasted Fight Club singer apparently didn't die between recording his last album and the one...

Creator of 2016 Sgt Pepper ‘dead celeb’ picture commits suicide due to repetitive strain...

The unknown Twitter user, who created the updated iconic album cover to incorporate all the great and good 2016 has taken from us, reportedly ended his life just moments after news broke of Carrie...
Emma watson

Emma Watson ridiculed by mysoginistic pig of journalist at The Sun

A tragic, privileged, middle-class man wrote a vile 'article' today about Emma Watson, an extremely clever young lady, after she made a very impressive speech to the UN in New York.  Emma Watson was in...

Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle should settle rift with bikini jelly wrestling demand Daily...

Daily Express readers have today demanded that Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton settle their differences with a bout of bikini jelly wrestling. Express reader, Ian Blind told us, "The people have spoken. It's our will...

God Issues Apology For 2016 Celebrity Cull

In an official statement released this afternoon, God has apologised for the ongoing massacre of talent this year, blaming it on recent pressure to beef up Heaven’s on-site entertainment. The statement, published on the Vatican...
Michael Gove

Gove cast as Tick-Tock in Rupert Murdoch’s adaption of ‘Peter Pan’

An all star cast is to appear in seasoned stage director Rupert Murdoch's new adaptation of the J. M. Barrie classic 'Peter Pan'. Michael Gove has been cast as Tick-Tock, Theresa May as Captain Hook...

James Corden to star in Paul Nuttall biopic

International media sensation, corpulent bearded sex symbol and father of the year, James Corden is to take the starring role in a planned new film of the life of UKIP leader and by-election failure...
kitten

Purrverted Cliff Richard raped my cat

A woman has come forward claiming Sir Cliff Richard raped her cat while staying at her family home in Heywood. The fresh accusations will come as a blow to the worn-out pop legend, who was only...

Robbie Williams comes undone at World Cup opening ceremony

Robbie Williams finds himself in trouble after giving the finger to fans at World Cup opening ceremony after repeatedly being asked to sing 'This Charming Man' by local fans. Former fat dancer from Take That...

Egghead CJ de Mooi chose that name! On purpose!

CJ de Mooi shocked the nation today by revealing that CJ de Mooi isn't his real name. Believe it or not he chose that name! On purpose! "I feel thoroughly cheated," said Eggheads fan Sandra...

Oscars goodie bag to include DNA evidence gathering kits

Celebrities will be receiving goodie bags at the Oscars with kits for collecting and preserving DNA in them. The goodie bags, given to Oscar winners and other attendees usually contain free gifts such as holidays,...

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