Jason Manford

Jason Manford Kicks Aid Worker from Wall

In a move that is sure to delight anti-refugee groups throughout the country, the once amusing Northern 'comedian', Jason Manford shockingly kicked an aid worker from a wall today. The incident happened when Herald journalist,...
Paul Nuttall

Britain’s oldest man, Paul Nuttall, has died.

Sir Paul Nuttall, VC, OBE, Ph.D, passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday, hours before his 108th birthday. Sir Paul was the first man to swim the Channel underwater (he did it for a bet...

Elderly white bloke invoking blitz spirit wins Brexit’s Got Talent

In an emotional final show, 102 year old Tommy Atkins held off challengers by singing Vera Lynn songs in a quavering voice in front of a backdrop featuring Lancasters, Spitfires, red phone boxes, sausages...
Bruce Forsyth

Bruce Forsyth’s inheritance to be shown on conveyor belt for family members to remember

If the children of the late Sir Bruce Forsyth wish to inherit his estate, they must remember the individual parts of it that they see on a conveyor belt, it has emerged. Under the terms...

Jennifer Aniston found dead after Schadenfreude overdose

Jennifer Aniston was found dead this afternoon at her LA mansion after apparently overdosing on Schadenfreude following the news of the impending Brangelina split. Miss Aniston was apparently found in bed surrounded by glossy magazines,...

George Osborne admits he’s Banksy confessing “it was my first job”

Evening Standard Editor George Osborne is rightfully popular with recruitment specialists but few people are aware of his first job as famous, mysterious street artist Banksy. The Rochdale Herald’s crime correspondent spoke to Mr Osborne...

Safety fears for Peter André.

Fears are growing for the safety of shiny mannequin Peter André, after he failed to appear on the cover of this month's OK Magazine. Concerned readers had to make do instead with an...
kitten

Purrverted Cliff Richard raped my cat

A woman has come forward claiming Sir Cliff Richard raped her cat while staying at her family home in Heywood. The fresh accusations will come as a blow to the worn-out pop legend, who was only...

Tommy Robinson announces plan to launch Ceefax page

Far right midget Tommy Robinson has announced plans to launch a Ceefax page following news that he has been banned from both Facebook and Instagram for being a racist toolkit.
Rosie and Jim

Rosie and Jim Seized in Immigration Raid

News is emerging that 1990's TV stars Rosie and Jim have been arrested and are now facing deportment following the repeal of the European Convention on Human Rights. The TV stars, real names Bratislav...
Bono

Campaign to buy Bono a Rolex stunning success

A Kickstarter campaign to buy Bono a £15,000 Rolex watch has been hailed as an astounding success by the man who started. Bill Board told us, "I didn't think it would work. I wanted to...

Meryl Streep to sing Golden Shower of Hits by The Circle Jerks at Trump...

Meryl Streep has offered an olive branch to US President-elect Donald Trump following their Twitter spat earlier this week.

Murder she wrote woman not dead

Everyone lost their shit this week when a rumour regarding the Bedknobs and Broomsticks (non-porno version) star appearing in Game of Thrones surfaced. "Appearing as what? A corpse?" asked Sandra Johnson, a 53 year mum...

Rochdale Rap Star Arrested On Drug Charges

Hip hop maestro and rap superstar, 30 Bob, from Milnrow Rochdale, was arrested last week on drugs charges we can exclusively reveal. In a statement he told us: "Aye, I got caught like. But we rappers...

Oscars goodie bag to include DNA evidence gathering kits

Celebrities will be receiving goodie bags at the Oscars with kits for collecting and preserving DNA in them. The goodie bags, given to Oscar winners and other attendees usually contain free gifts such as holidays,...
Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger calls out Jamie Oliver after cereal box slur

Celebrity spotters and various other people with naff all better going on in their lives were feverishly screaming over rumours of a celebrity feud reaching breaking point this morning. The feud erupted after it emerged...

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