In what has been described as the most awkward Christmas gift ever; Jesus has been given an Ancestry UK DNA testing kit for Christmas.

One onlooker said, “It was pretty awkward. I mean, Mary and Joseph know that Jesus is eventually going to work out that his dad isn’t Joseph. I mean, Jesus is like the only white guy in the village so it’s pretty obvious. But this is really going to speed that up. You can imagine what’s going to happen when he gets the results back.”

Joseph told us, “Complete nightmare. Most people just have to put up with their kids asking inane stuff like why the sky is blue. I’ve got to explain that not only am I not his real dad but that his real dad is actually God. Then there’s the whole you are God and got your mother pregnant with yourself bit which is probably going to be a fair amount of money on therapy. It was hard enough to get him to bath once a week before and stop playing on Fortnight long enough to eat his chicken nuggets. Now he’ll know he’s God, where does that leave me? With a damn good smiting is where.”

Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, “The DNA testing kits have become more popular each year. The sort of people who protested against ID cards because they might contain biometric data about a person seem to love swabbing their mouth and sending their DNA off to a company. Alright, you find out that you’re 0.0000001% Icelandic but for instance, I know Bill Board in Rochdale has a genetic pre-disposition to prostate cancer. Good look getting health insurance now when the Tories have privatised the NHS Bill.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.