Cliff Richard, the long term bachelor and non-nonce, who our lawyers remind us isn’t gay either, has been talking to the tabloid newspapers about how much he wishes the accusations against him would go away.

“They’re really hurting my reputation,” said a Cliff impersonator we employed rather than actually read the Daily Mail,”That’s why I have decided to go to the newspapers: I don’t want other people suffering as I have by having their good, and largely forgotten, name dragged through the mud every time they remind everyone all about it.”

Cliff is particularly mad about the BBC, who aren’t actually covering the story at the moment, as they reported on the fact that a celebrity was being investigated for something without first waiting until after it was all over and thus knowing whether or not he was guilty. The bastards.

“I just want the same treatment as everyone else,” our fake Cliff continued, “To not have it mentioned when I am accused of being a nonce unless it turns out that I am guilty- which in this case I wasn’t- just like what happens to normal people.”

Cliff is due to complain about how he has had his name dragged through the mud again in about three or four weeks time, depending on how long it takes for the public to forget about him this time.


“How is my Christmas single, ‘Away in a manger (but not like that, I’m not a nonce)’ supposed to get to number one now? It’s so unfair!”

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.