Daily Express readers have today demanded that Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton settle their differences with a bout of bikini jelly wrestling.
Express reader, Ian Blind told us, “The people have spoken. It’s our will that Kate and Meghan wrestle in a paddling pool filled with jelly next year. The O2 can host it.”
The bout is in response to rumors that Kate and Meghan don’t get on and have been feuding since last year. One Palace insider told us, “It all started when Kate bought a dress as a Christmas present for Meghan. It got to Christmas Day and who else is wearing the exact same dress? Fergie. Imagine being a new member of the royal family and turning up dressed as Fergie?”
From that point on relations have been steadily deteriorating with Meghan rumored to have made Princess Charlotte cry during a bridesmaid dress fitting. In response Princess Charlotte is rumored to have defecated into a box and sent it to Meghan without a stamp on it for her birthday. One insider said, “Meghan had to go to Westminster Post Office to pick the present up because Charlotte had used such a huge box that it couldn’t be delivered. When Meghan got there she discovered that the sender hadn’t paid the postage so she had to pay for that. Then, she gets home and there’s a huge poo in the box. It wasn’t even human. It looked like it was from a wild animal or something.”
Our insider told us, “In retaliation Meghan invited the family over to Sandringham for tea to show there were no hard feelings. But, she laced the chicken gravy with laxatives. On the way home Prince William had to pull over several times to go to the toilet. Kate was so desperate that at one point they had to pull into a caravan site in Broadstairs and go in her mum and dads caravan. She was 3 days before she could leave again.”
It’s alleged that the response to this has been for Prince William to teach Prince Louis to projectile vomit each time he seems Prince Harry.
One insider told us, “Sky TV, BT Sport and the Good Food Channel have all expressed an interest in paying for the rights to televise such an event. Our people are talking to Kate and Meghan’s people to get a deal done for a bout around next July.”
A market analyst told us, “This could be a defining moment. We expect it to be like the Queen’s coronation where everyone went out and bought TV’s and ate Coronation Chicken. Only, everyone will go out and buy 4K UHD TV’s from the shop. Jelly recipes will be eaten by everyone. It could even lead to a rise in popularity of bikini jelly wrestling as a whole. It may even replace football as the national sport.”
It’s also rumored that Princess Diana’s ghost has already taken the side of Kate over “That hussy Markle”.