The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today. 

A spokesman said, “From today people will be able to gather in groups of 6 in their garden and watch the horse racing. We know how much everyone in Britain loves horse racing. It’s the primary concern of people up and down the country. Well, those that want to gamble their furlough money anyway. Wait, are we supposed to still be doing that pretending to care about problem gamblers? In which case, only gamble as much as you can afford to lose.”

Racing fan Stan Still told us, “I’m all set up. I’ve scored some really cheap coke that might actually be laxatives and watered down 400 cans of Fosters. My friends are coming round so we’ll put a few cheeky bets on, inexplicably queue for the toilet for an hour then have a punch up with next door. It’ll be just like being at Ascot.”

Bill Board told us, “I was unhappy when the football violence season was cut short but I always look forward to the horse racing season. I’ll dress up all fancy like Peaky Blinders, do loads of coke and JD then get into a massive fight, go home and crap my bed. It’ll be just like being there.”

A horse racing official told us, “We’ve got loads of strictly enforced social distancing rules in place to keep everyone safe. We’ll definitely enforce these rules as these are important. Unlike the ones against public violence, class A drug taking and animal cruelty which are more like guidelines.”

Newcastle will hold the first race today and whilst it will be behind closed doors people are being encouraged to still take part in the traditional 19:00 sacking of Newcastle Central Station.



Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.