In a Rochdale Herald exclusive Prince Andrew tells us how the secret wedding of his daughter Beatrice went last week.

7am – Woken up by Maude, my maid carrying my breakfast in. She puts it on the bed, opens the curtains and wishes me Good Morning and leaves. On the tray is the post. Mostly letters of congratulation from chums. Notice one post marked Brooklyn Prison. I don’t know any prisoners so I quickly throw the letter in the bin. I fumble in the draws and find some matches. I use one to set fire to the contents of the bin. Unfortunately, there’s last nights Pizza Express box in there as well and the fire gets very quickly out of control. The smoke alarm starts going off as I’m attempting to put the bin contents down the toilet to put it out. Horse Teeth (Sarah) comes in and asks me what I’m doing. I say it’s part of my daily routine to test I can still sweat. 

10am I walk across to Bea’s wing of the house in my wedding suit. Knocking on the door I hear giggling. Eugenie answers and lets me in. Horse Teeth tells me I look like a Toby Jug. Both leave me alone and Bea walks in looking great. We wait for the car to take us to the ceremony.

11 am – Outside the Chapel waiting to go in I can’t help but think of all the happy times we’ve had here as a family. Me and Horse Teeth getting married, the girls christenings, the thanks giving service after the Falklands and that organist that always used to wear really tight trousers when I was driven to church in 1991. As I’m reminiscing the vicar comes out and says they’re ready. In we go.

11:10 am – Enter the Chapel. The organist is playing. I try to remember if it was a thong or French knickers the old organist used to wear. I drop Bea off and go and sit with mummy, daddy and Hotse Teeth. Later on Horse Teeth gives a reading from something she says is poetry by Shakespeare. Early on I realise it’s from Lolita. I’ll get you back for that Horse Teeth you bitch.

12 – Photos time. Mummy suddenly tells me I should go and make sure that the watermelons have been properly de-seeded. When I return the photos have ended.

13:30 – Wedding breakfast. We all file in. Obviously I’m on the top table with Horse Teeth and my new in laws. Bea comes in to music. Traffic. I can’t believe it. They’re playing bloody hole in my shoe by Traffic. This has to be some sort of joke. I try to make conversation but blurt something out about Pizza Express in Woking. 

14:00 – Speeches and I’m up first. I congratulate the bride and groom, make a joke about toe sucking. That’ll teach you Horse Teeth.

14:15 – Congratulations messages from the rest of the fam who can’t attend because of my unfair treatment by the BBC. First up is Prince Edward. Obviously Ed doesn’t say anything and leaves it up to Louise. Bloody brown nose. For years he’s been the laughing stock. I was in the Falklands and he was bloody prancing around in tights. But now he’s got a daughter that likes horses he’s like the golden child.

Next up, Mr and Mrs Perfect. They’ve shot some nauseating film of them all playing instruments really badly and over dubbed Ellie Goulding’s version of Your Song. Wait a minute, that is Ellie Goulding dressed as Little Bo Peep. Sickening.

Final message is from John and Yoko who are in their new pad in LA. Of course, John is perfect now and not wearing a Nazi uniform. They inform us it’s 6 am there. Is that Amal Clooney in the background talking to Archie? At the end Yoko reveals she’s off to play tennis with Serena Williams. I notice their screen saver is them photo shopped into a picture of the Obama’s. 

After the speeches Eugenie and Bea give me and Sarah gifts. Sarah gets some flowers and jewellery. I get a can of Lynx Africa and a membership for Pizza Express VIP eaters.

Mummy announces she’s off to knight Major Tom.

15:00 – First dance. KRS7,  s

Sound of da police plays when me and Bea dance.

18:00 Get rip roaring drunk, tell Horse Teeth I faked every orgasm then get carried to bed.