At approximately one o’clock this afternoon emergency services were dispatched to the Cooperative convenience store in Middleton. The initial response was to investigate a report anti social behaviour.

Reports since indicate that fighting had broken out in the store over claims on the last remaining packet of burger buns.

It’s been confirmed that moments after arriving, both officers were assaulted.

Dennis Fisher who was present at the scene said “I called the police when I saw some chap get pushed through the store window.  When they turned up things had already gotten out of control.  A full frozen lamb shank was thrown through the police car window as they turned into the car park, causing them to veer off and crash into the trolley hut. The car immediately burst into flames, poor buggers didn’t stand a chance.”

“It was horrific.” said store clerk Jill. “It started with a man and woman arguing who should get the last packet of burger buns.  It escalated when the man snatched the packet; the woman used the pointed end of a Cornetto to gouge his eye out. After that, several other customers dived on her like a pack of savage dogs. I’ve never seen such violence.”

The man has since been pronounced dead at the scene. Several arrests have been made and both police officers are currently at the East Lancashire Hospital in a critical condition.

The whereabouts of the burger buns are unknown

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.