A Rochdale man who keeps saying that all lives matter is also in favour of the Royal Navy being used to torpedo boats carrying refugees.

Bill Board, who lives in a 2 bedroom terrace house worth over £100,000 told us, “I keep seeing this black lives matter stuff. But for me, it should be all lives matter. I’m a humanitarian at the end of the day and don’t think people should be judged on the basis of their skin colour. All lives are important.”

Board, who collects beer mats and used to be a gas lamp lighter went on, “I saw an interesting thing on YouTube as well. It’s about those refugees coming here in boats. Nobody was stopping them. They just get in a boat in France and come over here. You ask me the Navy should torpedo them. That would stop them. I mean, it’s dangerous and they’re risking the lives of little kiddies. They’re all paedophiles as well.”

Bill has several health conditions that we’re using to pad this article out a bit. A few years ago he had a knee operation and is still using a mobility scooter to get around. The scooter is taxed and has insurance. Bill mostly wears tracksuit bottoms but on a Friday he puts jeans on to go to the club.

Bill also had cause to complain about a disappointing meal he had a Wongs Chinese buffet about 22 years ago. He was given £40 off his bill after his story appeared in several local newspapers. He still talks about this as the highlight of his life.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.