With millions of Britons terrified by the recent apparition of a giant ball of fire in the sky, there was further harrowing news today, with health experts confirming the sustained spell of heat will bring more problems.
With The Daily Express confirming temperatures nationwide will continue to rise to 1119oF (none of that metric rubbish you metropolitan elitist, avocado eating, remoaning traitors) this week, the unrelenting heatwave has led to yet more crisis for the NHS, with officials confirming there are simply not enough resources to cope with demand of admissions to treat the crippling Ice Cream headaches currently sweeping the nation.
The recent buoyancy over news the beleaguered Health Service would receive an injection of £20 billion in funding spread over the next 20 billion years has been drastically offset by the pandemic, with officials confirming supplies of Waitrose chocolate fudge brownies, microwaved until molten in the middle, the only known cure.
With the heartless supplier charging extortionate amounts for the drug due to demand and tight purse strings, only the inferior Tesco Value brand can be secured, causing additional gastric complications for already suffering patients.
Mavis Davis from North Manchester General Hospital circulated a release appealing for any uneaten Brownies, partially or otherwise, to be returned to ease the growing list of casualties.
‘We’re appealing on the public to return if you can’t eat the Brownie because it’s hotter than the sun, or you’re just too vain about your figure to eat more than a spoonful, do not throw this away. Even if there’s half a spoonful left over – please return the tiny little plastic pot to the designated pop-up depots in your area ASAP. But, please ensure the pot has cooled down, the last thing we need is to treat some hero for 3rd degree burns.’
‘Basically, we’re asking you to stop being selfish bastards – we’re conscious that if you already shop at Waitrose, that’s likely to fall on deaf ears, but, please, try and think of someone else in need just this once!!’
However, whilst the majority suffered in the heat, it is also clear that not everyone is suffering through the hot spell, with Ice Cream man & Evil scumbag Jabez Clegg defending his unscrupulous profiting from the misery of millions by charging extortionate prices for his harmful goods.
‘Look, if they want it, I sell it, it’s their choice’ Clegg smiled, revealing his brand new solid gold teeth. ‘This premium stuff and it comes at a price. A 99 is now £11.99, and a Mini Milk will cost you a limb as collateral, but you can blame those Fat Cats in Westminster for that. Do you even know who much it costs to rent an ice cream van in a country where it’s grim 48 weeks a year?!’
‘Anyway, it’s going to be pissing it down next week and I’ll resort back to selling harmless Class A drugs on the sly to make ends meet.’
This reporter, for one, is relieved to hear that.