British meteorologists blame wet August on an increase in cloud storage by Apple

The weather scientist went on to predict industrialised nations have a maximum of one year before the amount of material stored in the cloud reaches a critical mass of never ending rain.

No we don’t want to build a bloody snowman, confirm children

Children around the UK have confirmed that they don't want to build another bloody snowman. With rain, sleet, snow and more bloody awful weather forecast all over the country children have unanimously agreed that they'd...
Messy boys bedroom

Weather still not good enough to lure sulky teenager out of his bedroom

Despite the change in the weather, cloudless skies and temperatures in the high 20s, it is still not enough to persuade moody teenager, Damian Bloke, 15, to leave his bedroom. His mother, Sharon Arkwright, 37,...

Met office issue ice warning in winter

As weather experts issue yet another ice warning the people of the North West have told The Rochdale Herald that they actually don't give a shit. A yellow weather alert warning of icy conditions from...
Birmingham Park in Snow

‘No Bad News Day’ in West Midlands after all morons are snowed-in

The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible day off work. As regular viewers of the Express & Star...
Crashed Gritter Lorry

Council has enough grit

A council in the North of England is absolutely confident that this is the year that they have bought enough grit to salt the roads and keep the traffic moving over the weekend. "It's apparently...

Ireland wakes up in South Atlantic after all-night craic.

The island of Ireland had braced itself for the oncoming of storm Ophelia in the best Irish tradition, with a night of craic and a barrel of Guinness. On Monday it was reported that over...
Audi

Sixty grand on four wheel drive for one off drive to work in snow...

A man has confirmed that his choice of Audi Quattro was justified by the recent inclement weather. Chris Lupton spent most of the morning in his office sharing knowing glances and discrete nods of acknowledgement...

Geordie accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ after wearing jacket during night out

A Geordie is being criticised by social media users for posting an Instagram photo of her wearing a jacket during a night out on Tyneside. 26-year-old hairdresser, Cheryl Weedy, revealed her new look on Thursday...
Alive

Burnley Rugby team turn to cannibalism after being stranded on M62 in snow

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...

Britain WARNED to expect seasonally COLD WEATHER in winter AGAIN

The UK has been warned that parts of the country could get a bit colder now that it is almost December for the billionth year in a row. The Met Office has warned Northern Ireland,...

Aging pop acts battle over who inspired Storm Caroline

As reports develop of the latest weather front to hit the UK, it appears that a storm is brewing in the music world that's set to overshadow the race for Christmas Number One. It...
Donald Trump

Only Democrats were killed by Hurricane Florence, claims Trump

Donald Trump has claimed all 12 people currently known to have died in the Carolinas as a result of Storm Florence were Democrats. "Proof that God hates the crooked Democrats!" tweeted Trump, melting the keypad...

2017 set to be hottest year on record

Experts in worldwide trends are predicting that 2017 will reach terminal levels of warmth by mid-June. Professor Thorfin Nerfstretcherrsson, Head of Rochdale Community University's department of Genocide, has this to say on the subject, "Well since...

UKIP call for Global Warming referendum

In what is seen as a bid to rescue UKIP from self-inflicted obsolescence, leadership hopeful and Anthony Head lookalike, Steven Woolfe has today called for a referendum to secure Britain's opt-out from Global Warming. "We...
Angry Man

Google breaks under search query strain after hot weekend

Google breaks under the strain of millions of Britons preparing their excuses for work on Monday morning. As millions of us check up on the exact symptoms of sunstroke, the search engine has given up...

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