A council in the North of England is absolutely confident that this is the year that they have bought enough grit to salt the roads and keep the traffic moving over the weekend.

“It’s apparently going to snow like buggery today. But don’t worry we have EXACTLY the right amount of grit we need to keep the traffic moving.” The Head of Communications for Rochdale Council didn’t tell The Rochdale Herald because he’s blocked us on twitter.

“We’re very excited at the prospect of not running out of grit. We bought exactly the same amount that we bought last year, and the year before that. And, incidentally, the year before that for that matter.”

“But 2017 is definitely going to be the year that the amount that we bought is the exact right amount.”

“We probably could have bought a bit more, you know, just in case. But then we thought ‘fuck it’ this is the year our number’s going to come up.”

“I mean, you don’t change your lottery numbers every week do you?”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.