Heating on

Northern Dad puts heating on

Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on. Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains have been cancelled and the army has been put on...
snowstorm

Amber Weather Warning follow reports Northerner is thinking about getting big coat out of...

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for apocalyptic snow and ice overnight after a Northerner was overheard speculating that it might be an idea to get his big coat out of the...
Alive

Burnley Rugby team turn to cannibalism after being stranded on M62 in snow

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...
Hurricane

God pisses himself laughing after sending hurricane named for Harvey Milk to wipe most...

God Almighty has reportedly pissed his pants laughing after sending a biblical flood to the most homophobic state in America in response to Donald Trump signing an executive order banning trans-sexuals from the United...
Sunshine

Cumbrian Man hospitalised after lethal exposure to Vitamin D

The recent weather worries in Cumbria worsened this morning, after 12 minutes of unseasonable partial sunshine exposed a fell walker to lethal levels of the rare nerve agent Vitamin D. With local post temperatures soaring to...

Britain surprised by arrival of snow for 8,000th year in a row

?Ever since the peninsula of Britain became the island of Britain, the inhabitants have been utterly unable to predict or cope with the cold season. "Every other country in Europe expects winter," said European Meteorologist...

Julian Assange makes the most of the hot weather by opening a window

Julian Assange has spent the weekend enjoying the bright sunny weather by sitting in a room in the Ecuadorian embassy with a window open. The native of Ecuador told the Herald, "This morning was very reminiscent...
Angry Man

Google breaks under search query strain after hot weekend

Google breaks under the strain of millions of Britons preparing their excuses for work on Monday morning. As millions of us check up on the exact symptoms of sunstroke, the search engine has given up...
BMW

You can’t skid if you don’t brake, confirm BMW drivers

One of Britain's leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow. "Don't brake," said Fred Goodhead, North region sales director for Rochdale...

2017 set to be hottest year on record

Experts in worldwide trends are predicting that 2017 will reach terminal levels of warmth by mid-June. Professor Thorfin Nerfstretcherrsson, Head of Rochdale Community University's department of Genocide, has this to say on the subject, "Well since...
Sunshine

Panic on the streets of Rochdale as glowing hot yellow thing appears in the...

Panic has hit the streets of Rochdale today as a unidentified glowing hot yellow glowing orb has appeared in the sky. Terrified Rochdale residents yesterday reported sightings of a glowing ball giving off immense heat...

Winter 2016 enters third consecutive year

Meteorologists have confirmed that winter 2016 has entered its third consecutive year. With more bloody miserable weather forecast officials at the Met Office have concluded it is still technically February 2016. "It looks like The British...

Homeworkers mysteriously suntanned

People who work from home are all looking oddly suntanned for people who work at their desks for eight hours a day, leading experts have confirmed. Following extensive research by experts at the Institute of...
Snow on Street

Completely expected and predictable weather causes travel disruption and chaos again

Britain prepares itself once again for total travel chaos and public service disruption, because of the completely predicable weather that is expected at this time of the year. Millions of people woke up this morning...
White Patio Furniture

Patio chair braces himself for Storm Brian

A patio chair in Milnrow is bracing himself for an absolutely terrible few days after news that yet another storm with high winds is brewing. The white plastic chair, part of a set of four...
Inclement weather

Facebook Meteorologists Out In Force

The annual outing of Facebook Meteorologists is in full swing. Facebook servers are under severe strain from the pictures of the first inclement weather of the season. It seems in spite of it being cold...

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