Messy boys bedroom

Weather still not good enough to lure sulky teenager out of his bedroom

Despite the change in the weather, cloudless skies and temperatures in the high 20s, it is still not enough to persuade moody teenager, Damian Bloke, 15, to leave his bedroom. His mother, Sharon Arkwright, 37,...
BMW

You can’t skid if you don’t brake, confirm BMW drivers

One of Britain's leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow. "Don't brake," said Fred Goodhead, North region sales director for Rochdale...
Bono

Several million Irish sign petition to tie Bono to a fecking kite

The good people of the Emerald Isle know how to take advantage of this windy bollocks A petition to "tie Bono to a fecking kite" is now the most popular petition of Irish origins on...
Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks confirms rework of The Producers starring Donald Trump about to climax

Veteran comic Mel Brooks, 91, has confirmed that his ambitious live action show, The President, will end shortly with a musical impeachment. Speaking at a rare public appearance as a guest of Dave Chappelle...
Donald Trump

Only Democrats were killed by Hurricane Florence, claims Trump

Donald Trump has claimed all 12 people currently known to have died in the Carolinas as a result of Storm Florence were Democrats. "Proof that God hates the crooked Democrats!" tweeted Trump, melting the keypad...
KFC

Extreme weather leaves KFC with too much chicken

As 'The Beast From The East' takes a firm hold across the UK, KFC have announced that it is overrun with chicken as no punters can make it to their outlets due to awful...
Snow on trees

Rochdale Council to vote on plan to colour snow

Rochdale Council are to consider a plan to colour snow to make it more representative of the cultural mix of the area. The Rochdale Multi-Cultural Planning Group have put forward the idea because they are worried...
snowstorm

Amber Weather Warning follow reports Northerner is thinking about getting big coat out of...

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for apocalyptic snow and ice overnight after a Northerner was overheard speculating that it might be an idea to get his big coat out of the...
Riot Police

Sweaty riot erupts in Leeds after Argos runs out of pedestal fans

As the temperature hits 25C in Leeds sweaty rioters armed with Soleros and Lyon's Maid Choc Ices are rioting in Leeds Centre and are currently barricaded in Argos. It is believed the civil unrest started...
Blizzard

Rest of world ceases activity so BBC can cover snow

As Britain is experiencing the worst snow since last time,the rest of the world has decided to cease all activities and events to let the BBC cover just the snow. A spokesperson for the rest...
Heating on

Northern Dad puts heating on

Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on. Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains have been cancelled and the army has been put on...
Car Stuck in snow

Motorist who travelled during red weather alert furious car stuck on motorway for 15...

There were ugly scenes this morning after a motorist lost his temper having been stuck on a motorway in a major tailback for 15 hours despite numerous warnings not to travel. Cars and lorries...
Windy Out

It’s a bit windy out

People all over the UK who have ears and access to either a door or a window have confirmed that it's a bit windy outside. It wasn't windy earlier in the day but started to...
Dogs die in hot cars

Irony strikes as Dogs Die In Hot Cars die in hot car

Tragedy has struck Burnley this afternoon after the Scottish band from St Andrew's accidentally locked in their tour Mondeo and died from heat exhaustion. With temperatures in Lancashire soaring above zero it's thought the band,...

Ice Cream headache pandemic reaches CRISIS point, as heatwave TERROR continues

With millions of Britons terrified by the recent apparition of a giant ball of fire in the sky, there was further harrowing news today, with health experts confirming the sustained spell of heat will...

No we don’t want to build a bloody snowman, confirm children

Children around the UK have confirmed that they don't want to build another bloody snowman. With rain, sleet, snow and more bloody awful weather forecast all over the country children have unanimously agreed that they'd...

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