Alive

Burnley Rugby team turn to cannibalism after being stranded on M62 in snow

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...

Homeworkers mysteriously suntanned

People who work from home are all looking oddly suntanned for people who work at their desks for eight hours a day, leading experts have confirmed. Following extensive research by experts at the Institute of...
Jeremy Hunt in the snow

Red Weather Warning as Conservative Politicians spotted with hands in own pockets

With temperatures plummeting across the British Isles, many patriotic politicians are complaining at their lack of opportunities to escape the country. Conservative Politicians Jeremy Hunt, Liam Fox, Michael Gove, and David Davis were spotted walking...
Sunbathing woman

Homeworkers warned to wear suncream as UK heatwave intensifies

With expectations that this month's sweltering weather could become the norm a health strategy is urgently required to protect the thousands of people who work from home from sunstroke, a House of Commons report...
Michael Fish

Michael Fish assures Virgin Island residents that “no hurricane on the way”

Famous weather broadcaster Michael Fish has moved to reassure British Virgin Island residents that there isn't going to be another hurricane hitting them. However he did say that whilst there was no hurricane coming “it...

UKIP call for Global Warming referendum

In what is seen as a bid to rescue UKIP from self-inflicted obsolescence, leadership hopeful and Anthony Head lookalike, Steven Woolfe has today called for a referendum to secure Britain's opt-out from Global Warming. "We...
Man in rain

Northerner goes full day without talking about the weather

Storm Eleanor has battered the United Kingdom with wind of up to 100 miles power hour, damaging property, trees and causing storm risk warnings to go to orange and red. However a northern man...
Hurricane

God pisses himself laughing after sending hurricane named for Harvey Milk to wipe most...

God Almighty has reportedly pissed his pants laughing after sending a biblical flood to the most homophobic state in America in response to Donald Trump signing an executive order banning trans-sexuals from the United...
Rainy Day

Siberia braces itself for unseasonal British drizzle

Russian media is warning residents of Central Sibera that the usually frozen steppes will be be bit damper than Britain all week. Prisoners in Siberian Gulags are expecting excessive lots of weather that can't quite...

Britain surprised by arrival of snow for 8,000th year in a row

?Ever since the peninsula of Britain became the island of Britain, the inhabitants have been utterly unable to predict or cope with the cold season. "Every other country in Europe expects winter," said European Meteorologist...
Donald Trump

Only Democrats were killed by Hurricane Florence, claims Trump

Donald Trump has claimed all 12 people currently known to have died in the Carolinas as a result of Storm Florence were Democrats. "Proof that God hates the crooked Democrats!" tweeted Trump, melting the keypad...
Sunshine

Panic on the streets of Rochdale as glowing hot yellow thing appears in the...

Panic has hit the streets of Rochdale today as a unidentified glowing hot yellow glowing orb has appeared in the sky. Terrified Rochdale residents yesterday reported sightings of a glowing ball giving off immense heat...
Windy Out

It’s a bit windy out

People all over the UK who have ears and access to either a door or a window have confirmed that it's a bit windy outside. It wasn't windy earlier in the day but started to...
Dogs die in hot cars

Irony strikes as Dogs Die In Hot Cars die in hot car

Tragedy has struck Burnley this afternoon after the Scottish band from St Andrew's accidentally locked in their tour Mondeo and died from heat exhaustion. With temperatures in Lancashire soaring above zero it's thought the band,...
BMW

You can’t skid if you don’t brake, confirm BMW drivers

One of Britain's leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow. "Don't brake," said Fred Goodhead, North region sales director for Rochdale...
White Patio Furniture

Patio chair braces himself for Storm Brian

A patio chair in Milnrow is bracing himself for an absolutely terrible few days after news that yet another storm with high winds is brewing. The white plastic chair, part of a set of four...

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