One of Britain’s leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow.

“Don’t brake,” said Fred Goodhead, North region sales director for Rochdale Building Society, “you can’t skid if you don’t brake.”

“Look at any news report about traffic accidents in the snow, and you’ll see 99 times out of 100 it is caused by someone in the slow lane. HGVs. Coaches. Some woman suddenly braking because she thought she might run over a rabbit.”

“Life in the fast lane, well, that’s where you find the most competent drivers,” he barked to us down his Bluetooth handsfree. “Ever since Rochdale Building Society was nationalised, we’ve had to do more with less. RBS now expect me to cover double the relationships than before. Getting round the roads rapidly is how I arrange enough facilities to get us back in the black.”

“Driving is a lot like banking. It’s all about gearing. If you have the right ratios, whether it’s in your car or in your loan, you’re sleek and sexy and doing well for yourself. Just like I look in this BMW 6 Series Gran Turismo.”

“There would be far less accidents if they got rid of HGVs and women from the roads. And men that act like pussies too. Seriously, more men should listen to this Jordan Peterson audio book ’12 rules on how to stop acting like a pussy and free your inner cunt’ and start driving properly.”

Fred had to leave us there as he was coming up to Snake Pass and wanted to listen to some deep house whilst putting his foot down.