2017 set to be hottest year on record

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Experts in worldwide trends are predicting that 2017 will reach terminal levels of warmth by mid-June. Professor Thorfin Nerfstretcherrsson, Head of Rochdale Community University's department...

Ice Cream headache pandemic reaches CRISIS point, as heatwave TERROR continues

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With millions of Britons terrified by the recent apparition of a giant ball of fire in the sky, there was further harrowing news today,...
Water Company

Follow Burnley’s example and shower less often, water companies urge Britain

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The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted...
Riot Police

Sweaty riot erupts in Leeds after Argos runs out of pedestal fans

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As the temperature hits 25C in Leeds sweaty rioters armed with Soleros and Lyon's Maid Choc Ices are rioting in Leeds Centre and are...
Birmingham Park in Snow

‘No Bad News Day’ in West Midlands after all morons are snowed-in

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The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible...
Heating on

Northern Dad puts heating on

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Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on. Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains...
Messy boys bedroom

Weather still not good enough to lure sulky teenager out of his bedroom

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Despite the change in the weather, cloudless skies and temperatures in the high 20s, it is still not enough to persuade moody teenager, Damian...
Car Stuck in snow

Motorist who travelled during red weather alert furious car stuck on motorway for 15...

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There were ugly scenes this morning after a motorist lost his temper having been stuck on a motorway in a major tailback for 15...

UKIP call for Global Warming referendum

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In what is seen as a bid to rescue UKIP from self-inflicted obsolescence, leadership hopeful and Anthony Head lookalike, Steven Woolfe has today called...

Storm Eleanor wreaks havoc after gate left open on wind farm

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Met Office issues "risk to life" warnings with wind speeds over 80mph expected overnight. It has been revealed that Storm Eleanor, the latest storm to...

British meteorologists blame wet August on an increase in cloud storage by Apple

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The weather scientist went on to predict industrialised nations have a maximum of one year before the amount of material stored in the cloud reaches a critical mass of never ending rain.
BMW

You can’t skid if you don’t brake, confirm BMW drivers

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One of Britain's leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow. "Don't...
Family roast dinner

RSPCA urges pet owners to at least season with salt and pepper before leaving...

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In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank...
Hurricane

God pisses himself laughing after sending hurricane named for Harvey Milk to wipe most...

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God Almighty has reportedly pissed his pants laughing after sending a biblical flood to the most homophobic state in America in response to Donald...
Jeremy Hunt in the snow

Red Weather Warning as Conservative Politicians spotted with hands in own pockets

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With temperatures plummeting across the British Isles, many patriotic politicians are complaining at their lack of opportunities to escape the country. Conservative Politicians Jeremy Hunt,...
Shirtless fat man

For f*ck’s sake put a top on, men told

Men have been asked to put some clothes on because they really shouldn't be in the pub half naked.  Professor Gareth Linkeker of the Institute...

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