A patio chair in Milnrow is bracing himself for an absolutely terrible few days after news that yet another storm with high winds is brewing.

The white plastic chair, part of a set of four that came with a dining table and an umbrella, has been following the development of Storm Brian all day and is said to be very concerned.

“I’m very concerned.” He told The Rochdale Herald. “Outside on a patio during a stormy night is no place for patio furniture. Particularly not a cheap old plastic chair from B&Q like me.”

“I’ve only just recovered from Storm Ophelia, I really ought to have been put in the garage with the BBQ. I was lying down for days, it’s just not right.”

A large garden trampoline, who is basically shaped like a gigantic parachute, is also particularly concerned about Storm Brian’s high winds.

“My owners didn’t take me apart during the high winds last week and I ended up bouncing down the street and scratching some poor Audi Q5 that was just minding her own business.”

Storm Brian is expected to hit over the weekend with winds over 70 miles per hour.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.