Men have been asked to put some clothes on because they really shouldn’t be in the pub half naked. 

Professor Gareth Linkeker of the Institute of Instutes said: “It really is time for men to at least put a vest on. If you were unsure about how bad the UK’s obesity epidemic is I suggest popping into Rochdale town centre when the temperature soars above zero.”

“You are going to see some sights.”

“And if you were unsure about how bad the UK’s education system is I suggest a cursory glance at the tattoos on display on Burnley High Street will tell you everything you need to know.”

Police have attended several traffic accidents in northern Lancashire after drivers were left permanently blinded by the glare coming off gangs of bright white teenagers riding stolen bicycles.

“Don’t look directly at them.” Superintendent Plod told The Rochdale Herald. “If you really must look at topless locals in this weather you should be wearing protective eye gear, a welder’s mask at the very least.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.