Jeremy Clarkson’s views are irrelevant say other ageing xenophobic white people

Daily Express readers were quite literally fuming yesterday after tall gammon icon and keen casual racist Jeremy Clarkson referred to Brexit voters as 'coffin dodging idiots'. The newspaper Facebook comments page was awash with furious...

Saudi Women win right to be dumped by text

In a landmark ruling in Saudi Arabia women have finally won the right to be dumped by text message. The victory follows the incredible shift in policy in the...

Clean-shaven white van man obviously failed by mental health services

A clean-shaven, white man has been arrested outside a Mosque in Finsbury, London, after his van veered off the road and directly into eleven bearded brown men. Reports are sketchy currently, but using information pieced...
Downing Street

Shitheads get new jobs

London - A bunch of irrelevant shitheads all got new jobs today in London. Theresa May is currently reshuffling the pack of lizards who would eat her babies if she had any in an attempt...

Knob-head hand gesture at lowest levels since records began

A recent poll has revealed that this once loved insult has seen a sudden decline in use, and could be completely extinct by the year 2025. For years, the simple hand gesture was a staple...

Labour voter’s sciatica cured after Corbyn hug

Rochdale Labour voter Kyle Henderson has told the Herald how his sciatica was cured after he hugged Jeremy Corbyn at a Labour election rally. Mr Henderson has spent the past 3 years unable to straighten...
Sadiq Khan

Sadiq Khan cracks down on junk food ads as thinner children harder to stab

Mayor plans to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, today announced a plan to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. The Mayor said "Almost 40 per...

Labour Party pledge to make it cheaper for young people to get stabbed on...

The Labour Party has announced a new policy that will allow young people to get stabbed on night buses much more cheaply. Labour spokesman, Stan Still said, "Under the Tories young people have increasingly been...

Poll shows only 20% of American 7-year-olds believe in Donald Trump

A survey conducted by the Maryland Institute of Toddlerdom (MIT) yesterday proved that while 60 per cent of 7 year olds in the USA believed in Santa Claus, 80 per cent refuted utterly the...
Couple with dog

Possible to know same amount about Brexit by trying to hide from it as...

As you stagger to the bathroom in the morning, arriving before you remember you have knees, and try to get all your strikingly yellow piss in the bowl, even though you're a...

It’s impossible to sandpaper a netball, concede Australians

Long standing dominance of sport by Australia and New Zealand ended by incredible English performance Some say Australian carpentry skill brings them closer to Christ. Handy little blighters, their ability to handle a piece of...
Scientist

Scientists warn firing Formula 1 grid girls will lead to increase in race related...

Science - In a leaked Sport England research paper, several sports scientists have warned over the removal of the usual checks and balances deployed by boring sports to keep men in check. "Removing grid girls,...
New Year Eve Party

Do we really, really, really have to go out, asks everyone

Everybody in the UK has collectively asked if they really, really, really have to go out now that they've gone through the fun bit of getting ready. People around the country who are about to...

Road naming honour for Info Wars ‘journalist’ Paul Watson in his home town of...

In a bid to balance the left leaning opinions of Mayor Magid Magid, Sheffield City Council have unveiled a new road in the south of the city which has been named after Right-Wing commentator,...

Spain v Russia VAR officials wives and children released from captivity

Members of the VAR officials team for the Russia V Spain game have been speaking of their joy at being reunited with their families again. The reunification comes just days after the VAR wives and girlfriends (VAG) disappeared whilst...
Viagra

Sale of over-counter Viagra faces stiff opposition

The Women's Institute are lobbying  the Health Secretary demanding that Viagra only be available through prescription and after consultation with a Doctor. Recent changes bought in by the medical watchdog, MHRA, mean Viagra can now...

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