Twats on train don’t know they’re twats

A large group of noisy twats on a train from London to Yorkshire are apparently unaware that they are all colossal twats. The group, who appear to be actors...
Blackhole

Physicists discover Brexit actually a black hole that feeds on political parties

The astrophysics world has been in overdrive this week at the announcement of a newly discovered black hole located somewhere over the English Channel. The cosmological anomaly is said to have appeared sometime around the...

Amateur Orthopaedic Surgeon not as good as expert – concedes Brexit voter sick of...

Following months of "expert fatigue" the British public may now be prepared to start listening to people who know what they're fucking talking about. Following last months decision to leave the EU by the British...

Queen celebrates being 22 in lizard years

The Queen has celebrated being 22 in lizard years today. David Attenborough was there to capture the celebrations and was able to give the Herald exclusive news from the party. The day started with the...

Panic across UK as white substance continues to fall from sky

A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently. As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not...

Europol warns of New Wave jihadis

Jihadis are entering the country on false passports according to Europol, heralding a New Wave.  Since the uproar regarding burkhinis on the beautiful beaches of Rochdale, citizens of the borough have been on their guard,...

Knob-head hand gesture at lowest levels since records began

A recent poll has revealed that this once loved insult has seen a sudden decline in use, and could be completely extinct by the year 2025. For years, the simple hand gesture was a staple...
Couple with dog

Possible to know same amount about Brexit by trying to hide from it as...

As you stagger to the bathroom in the morning, arriving before you remember you have knees, and try to get all your strikingly yellow piss in the bowl, even though you're a...

If sausage rolls were made out of Piers Morgan we’d make an exception, confirm...

Vegans around the UK have unanimously voted to have Piers Morgan reclassified as a vegetable so that they can murder and eat him, according to reports. The news comes...

Conservatives to trial ‘career houses’

The new Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Damien Green, unveiled the plans earlier today in parliament. The policy, which will see families currently claiming out of work benefits moved into special 'career houses'...

Trump to produce new range of fragrances

Donald Trump is to collaborate with daughter Ivanka to produce a new range of perfumes. The first daughter said "This new range reflects the important things in my father's life and reflect his...

House of Commons Toilets to Close in wake of Fabric Closure

After the closure of the famous London nightclub Fabric by Islington council, due to people taking drugs there, it was announced today that the the toilets in the House of Commons are also to...

UKIP Chairman claims “to play the piano in a whorehouse” on dating website

The Chairman of UKIP has been caught red faced after lying about his occupation on a dating site. Paul Oakden claimed to "play a piano in a whorehouse" rather than admit to his role in...

Beards still cool, insists man with beard

As far as flash in the pan fashion trends go the 2015-2016 beard pandemic appears to be showing no sign of relenting with sales of beards and lumberjack accessories continuing to soar. The forecast is...

It’s impossible to sandpaper a netball, concede Australians

Long standing dominance of sport by Australia and New Zealand ended by incredible English performance Some say Australian carpentry skill brings them closer to Christ. Handy little blighters, their ability to handle a piece of...

Fillies to continue racing as outbreak confirmed as equine equivalent of ‘man flu’.

Initial reports that all racing in the U.K. was to be suspended have proved to be unfounded after vets have confirmed that the outbreak is merely 'stallion flu', the equivalent of 'man flu'. "They aren't...

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