After the closure of the famous London nightclub Fabric by Islington council, due to people taking drugs there, it was announced today that the the toilets in the House of Commons are also to be closed, as they are known to be used for taking cocaine.

“Obviously the only way to stop the use of untaxed drugs is to close the venues in which they’re taken,” Westminster Council’s War On Drugs That Aren’t Taxed Department told us, “Which is why Fabric has been forced to close. We’d never be a bunch of hypocrites so cocaine dens like the bogs in the Commons have got to go.”

George Osborne refused to comment on the story.

A spokesman for the Home Office said;

“These actions are necessary because the idea of young people taking drugs in a place filled with people- including those trained to deal with drug abuse- is abhorrent. It’s be much better if they did them at home or somewhere where decent people don’t have to witness it as we smoke our fags, drink our alcohol or imbibe tannin and caffeine.”

Rumours that my house is next to be closed have so far not been confirmed.