Following her first speech in the European Parliament, we have avoided the term ‘maiden speech’ as all her speeches are maiden, Anne Widdecombe has acted decisively.

In order not to be accused of hypocrisy when referring to Brexit as being like slaves escaping their shackles, mummified sock puppet Anne Widdecombe, has announced the immediate emancipation of her own slave from bondage in her cellar.

The slave, who Widdecombe has named ‘Rastus’ is actually 49 year old third generation West Indian Gary Lloyd, an electrician from Penge, captured by Widdecombe 27 years ago when he went round to fix her cooker.  It is thought the unfortunate wretch was tasked with such inhuman chores as removing lint from Widdecombe’s crevices and injecting her arse with doses of anti-psychotic drugs. He may even have suffered the horror of her practicing for ‘Strictly’.

In an exclusive interview with the Herald, Mr Lloyd said ‘Lawdy, Massah, I’s seed things no man should have to have seed. Oh sorry, no, I don’t have to talk like that anymore.’

Ann Widdecombe is 107 and completely fucking batshit.