The prime minister and senior members of the cabinet are to wear full face masks during today’s Cobra meeting to decide whether to bring in measures to delay the spread of coronavirus in the UK.

 “The cabinet is meeting this afternoon to consider whether apartheid measures, I mean “social distancing” measures can be phased in,” a lanky hooded Conservative told us while doing air quotes with his fingers.

“If we’re really clever we could use this bog roll panic to separate the weak from the herd, isolate them completely and then pick them off one by one.”

Measures are expected to include curfews for people who wear trainers but aren’t running, a ban on all public events except for the Royal Ballet and the introduction of public executions for people with dirty finger nails.

“The important thing is that we don’t panic, if we keep our heads we can use this to divide society for decades.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.