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The ninety seven-year-old Duke of Edinburgh who has suspected flu was forced to sleep on a hospital treatment room floor because of a lack of brand new, un-used gold-leaf beds with swan-down pillows and...

A large group of noisy twats on a train from London to Yorkshire are apparently unaware that they are all colossal twats. The group, who appear to be actors in their mid twenties, have been...

The music world has been surprised by the release of an album by Greta Thunberg and the Prophets of Doom, a new death metal outfit formed by the ecological campaigner.   It is seen as...

Boris Johnson has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of the first-born children. The news comes on the anniversary of the...

Former Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson has declared war on schools mere hours after being appointed Education Secretary. His secret plan, which he immediately leaked, is to launch targeted drone strikes on underachieving schools as encouragement...

The first privately funded mission to the moon has had an apparent failure resulting in a crash. The Israeli spacecraft called Beresheet had been sent on a mission to 'reclaim' ancient and rightful territory on...

A recent poll has revealed that this once loved insult has seen a sudden decline in use, and could be completely extinct by the year 2025. For years, the simple hand gesture was a staple...

A thicko has accepted a dipshit's challenge of a debate on the telly to sort of discuss how best to implement a dreadful idea. The thicko had previously claimed he couldn't do the debate because...

Piers Morgan took to Twitter today to denounce a popular fast food chain after discovering that its Buffalo Wings don't contain any Buffalo at all. Mr Morgan accused the chain of pandering to the, "PC...

Following her first speech in the European Parliament, we have avoided the term 'maiden speech' as all her speeches are maiden, Anne Widdecombe has acted decisively. In order not to be accused of hypocrisy when...

Americans across America are celebrating the fact that for the first time since the invention of calendars there have been more days in the year than mass shootings in America. "It's super! I genuinely can't...

Daily Express readers were quite literally fuming yesterday after tall gammon icon and keen casual racist Jeremy Clarkson referred to Brexit voters as 'coffin dodging idiots'. The newspaper Facebook comments page was awash with furious...

A Rochdale man has spoken to us about vegetable he has found that looks remarkably like Prince Charles.  Bill Board told us, "It was last Saturday that I found it. I saw it sticking out...

The popular ex-policeman is predicted to cause almost as many people to support the Lib Dems as the leaders of the Labour and Conservative parties.  Swanson has appeal across the political spectrum: "Well, he's a...

Despite professing for weeks that he was much more oven ready than 'that Turkey Corbyn', the world's largest chicken has refused to leave a fridge in a hospital in Leeds. With shocking fowl language, a...

People up and down the country will be able to show their loved ones how much they care by buying gift vouchers for NHS treatments as of Christmas 2020. "Obviously healthcare is going to be...