The first privately funded mission to the moon has had an apparent failure resulting in a crash.

The Israeli spacecraft called Beresheet had been sent on a mission to ‘reclaim’ ancient and rightful territory on the Earth’s orbiting satellite as well as relocate possible inhabitant life into new settlements; however an engine failure caused the craft to crash on the lunar surface rather than land gently.

Israel’s far-right wing newspaper, The Jewish Press claims that the spacecraft was shot down by a rocket launched by inhabitants on the moon, who have been radicalised by Hamas. The paper claims the indigenous radicals communicate only in coded whistles. The paper also reports that the creatures celebrated the destruction of the Beresheet with a feast of green soup and blue string pudding.

However, Israel’s government, the Knesset, has ignored these claims and through an inquest has found that the moon is in fact Anti-Semitic.

Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has given authorisation to use ‘retaliatory force’ against the moon which he described as “Opposed to the state of Israel” and opposed to Israel’s rightful claim of land on the moon.

Speaking from SpaceIL’s mission control in Yehud, Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu stated “If at first you don’t succeed, you use more phosphorous. Israel will occupy the Moon.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.