Americans across America are celebrating the fact that for the first time since the invention of calendars there have been more days in the year than mass shootings in America.

“It’s super! I genuinely can’t remember the last time the number of days into the year we are surpassed the number of mass shootings!” Said Chuck Schwartz, school teacher, currently in intensive care after a student shot him in the stomach with an AR-15 during Geography last week.

“This just goes to prove that Gun Control laws won’t do anything but increase the problem of a few individuals misusing firearms” said NRA member and local gun rights lobbiest Clark Griswald shortly before accidentally shooting his three year old son for the second time this year.

Whatever your opinions on gun control, today is indeed a special day for Americans. Unless you’re one of the the ones who got one of the people who got shot on New Year’s Eve, because then of course you’re already dead.

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.