Ex-Public School boys and Hooray Henry’s are having to talk about football and they aren’t enjoying it. Whether they’re at work, on the golf course or at the Polo, the only available topic of conversation is England’s chance of winning the World Cup.

Whilst they are comfortable discussing the off-side rule in Rugger or how to bowl a Chinaman in cricket, the poor chaps are at a complete loss when it comes to the footie. Many have never heard of Prince Harry, believing him to be a minor royal, rather than England’s greatest hope of winning the tournament.

However, they are reluctant to appear unpatriotic. Traditionally the flags and bunting come out for; Wimbledon, The Boat Race and Test Cricket. Now England are in with a chance of winning something important, they don’t want to risk being left out of any National Celebrations.

Giles Jaggers explained, “Now England are doing well, it has all become rather embarrassing. Usually England are hopeless from the off and we can ignore all this ruckus, but if they actually win we will end up talking about nothing else for months.”

He added, “When one was at Public School, one was never taught the rules and customs of football, one assumes the tutors never thought we would need to know them. We are at a complete loss when it comes to fouls, off-sides, free kicks and VAR. So, when some chap says, ‘That VAR is f***ing useless, why don’t they do something about Harry being wrestled to the ground?’ Well, one doesn’t know what to say. Worse than that, one of the chaps, at the club, said one needs to learn a song about ‘Vindaloo’, that can’t be right, can it?”

So next time you are in a ‘Spoons watching England, spare a thought for the man in a Straw Hat and Red Trousers, he is probably feeling very uncomfortable and out of place. Buy him a Pimms and help him cheer on the team, by teaching him the words to ‘Football’s coming home!’