Former Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson has declared war on schools mere hours after being appointed Education Secretary.

His secret plan, which he immediately leaked, is to launch targeted drone strikes on underachieving schools as encouragement to improve standards. Armed personnel will then sweep through the debris and eliminate any remaining “problem children.”

Speaking from his new office (an empty room covered in clear plastic sheeting) Mr Williamson told the Herald, “We need to be tougher on schools. We’re letting them get away with filling children’s heads with nonsense like kindness and tolerance. My new curriculum will focus on practical skills like dismemberment and identifying which acid to use when disposing of a prostitute’s body.”

Mr Williamson is one of many disgraced former cabinet members promoted by Boris Johnson to disgraced current cabinet members. Priti Patel, who was fired for secret discussions with Israel, has been appointed Home Secretary. She too has already begun announcing policies including replacing Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway with live televised executions.

Asked if these appointments seemed somewhat radical Mr Johnson responded with a vaudeville slapstick routine.