The entire United Kingdom muttered “for fuck’s sake” in unision yesterday afternoon after learning that Boris Johnson has been “elected: new Conservative leader and will become the next UK prime minister.

Divisive lying shitweasel and former London Mayor Boris has promised he would deliver Brexit, unite the country, make bananas bendy again and some other bollocks in a speech at the Queen Elizabeth II centre in London. 

He also said some other drivel and nonsense about vim and vigour and waffle twaffle but nothing about picanninnies, letterboxes or whizz flim or flip flops. 

“I’m thrilled that I got the chance to vote for Boris.” Nora Hermitson the youngest party member at 83 years old to have voted for Boris in the leadership elections. “Obviously I quite like Winston Churchill, and casual racism of course, so Boris was the obvious choice.”

Nora died of old age 15 minutes after our interview.

Boris, however, was democratically elected by 92,153 or 0.14% of the UK population. 

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.