Police chiefs in England and Wales have been asked to contribute their best and brightest officers to a captive breeding programme due to be launched in the Autumn.
The move comes as Chief Constables from across the UK raised concerns about the ability of forces to fight crime due to dwindling police officer numbers, with some acknowledging that ‘low-level’ crimes might not be investigated at all.
“The simple fact of the matter is there are not enough police officers out there to keep up with demand,” said Chief Superintendent Bob Wilson, who will be overseeing the programme.
“The government have made it quite clear that there is no money available to fund more officers, so boosting our numbers through captive breeding is the only viable solution.”
All forty-three forces from across England and Wales will be asked to contribute at least two officers to the programme, one female and one male, and an enclosure capable of holding up to one hundred officers is currently being constructed close to the College of Policing’s headquarters in Coventry. The facility will be equipped with a cinema, a range of bars and restaurants, and an indoor artificial beach, with approximately two hundred cameras streaming round-the-clock footage of the residents to the outside world, in the hope that the project will become self-funding if the public are allowed to vote on proceedings via a premium-rate telephone number.
“If shows like Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity have taught us anything,” said Wilson, “it is that the public are more than happy to vote, and even pay for the privilege, if it means that they get to decide what happens to a bunch of sexy people trapped in a television studio.
“I can’t help but feel that we wouldn’t be in this mess if Diane Abbott looked better in a bikini.”
However, the project’s lead geneticist, Professor Graham Spigot, said that breeding pairs would be determined by science, rather than by public vote, highlighting an unsuccessful pilot project in South Yorkshire that produced an unnaturally high number of overly-attractive blonde officers.
“They were all snapped up by specialist CID units within the first six months and the divorce rate amongst Detective Sergeants went through the roof,” he said.
Spigot told our reporter that the project would only be considered a success if it reared large numbers of front-line response officers.
“That means producing normal-looking individuals who are smart, reasonably independent and equipped with sufficient levels of empathy, patience and sarcasm to deal with the torrents of utter fuckwittery they will encounter on daily basis,” he said.
“Too twatty and they’ll end up turning into Traffic Officers, too stupid and we’ll lose them all to Public Order units.
“A limited number of specimens will be deliberately bred to possess extraordinary powers of hindsight, coupled with an inability to make rational decisions under pressure, but only because you’ve got to have a few individuals suitable for promotion into the senior ranks.”
Meantime, Chief Superintendent Wilson advised the public to take common-sense precautions to stop themselves becoming victims of crime.
“The chances of terrible things happening to you and your loved ones can be significantly reduced if you always lock your doors and windows before going out, you avoid walking through poorly-lit areas at night, and you stop voting for the fucking Conservatives at general elections.”