Tech giant Apple has refused to comment on reports that customers will be forced to replace their own eyes if they want to use the new iPhone 9, which will be sold WITHOUT a screen.
The rumours, which come less than a month before the company is due to release the latest version of its best-selling smartphone, have caused excitement, confusion and, in some cases, arousal amongst its customers, many of whom already have the phone on pre-order.
In 2016, Apple controversially dropped the headphone jack from its iPhone 7, forcing customers to either rely on mugger-attracting wireless ‘AirPods’, bugger around with an adaptor that plugs into the charging port, or just listen to music directly from their speakers, like arseholes.
“It’s a bold move from Apple but the sort of thing that we’ve come to expect from a company that treats its customers like gadget-dependent pay pigs,” said tech expert, Simon Wilson.
“I’m surprised they’ve not just brought out a phone that calls you a pathetic little bitch and then steals all of your money every time you turn it on.”
It is understood that in order to view any content on the handset, users will have to gouge out their own eyes and replace them with Apple’s newly-developed ‘iBalls’, a pair of plastic spheres that project a digital image directly into the brain. Although Apple promises that media content will be sharper and more vivid than ever before, the iBalls are not compatible with the real world, meaning users will have to make a stark choice between using their device and never being able to gaze upon the faces of their loved ones ever again.
The news has received a mixed response from the public, with some calling it evidence that Apple is looking for yet more ways to make its customers dependent on products that are overpriced, unethically-manufactured and designed to completely dominate their sad, meaningless lives. Apple fans, by contrast, had nothing but praise for the company and many have already started queuing outside of their nearest store in possession of lid speculums and sharpened teaspoons.
Loyal customer Gavin Bainbridge, 22, told the Herald that gouging his own eyes out would be a small price to pay for the new handset, which is likely to cost around £1200.
“That may sound like a lot but the lack of screen means that I won’t need to have it repaired every time I drop it. Or sit on it. Or even just breathe on it,” he said.
The Herald has since received another report claiming that the phone comes without a battery or charger cable and can only be powered by plugging it directly into your soul.