Amidst growing concern from the internet’s top pseudo-scientists about the risks posed by mobile technology, yet another coal has been added to the fire.
According to the prominent YouTuber Hope L’Scase, long-term exposure to massive doses of gamma radiation from thousands of 5G masts over the past 15 years has had a profound effect on our short-term memory. “Anyone with half a brain can see what they are doing.” L’Scase explained to her eleven followers, “I can.” Her video then continued with 15 minutes of white noise crackle before ending, “It’s all part of the Government’s plan to make us forget what they promised us in the past.”
“The science behind this is dubious at best,” Professor Ray D. Yates of Rochdale Community College told The Herald, “but clearly we need to investigate further. Analysis of a sample of 120,000,000 Tweets, Facebook posts and Daily Mail stories has revealed a 92% drop in the number of Islamophobic comments. This is remarkable by all accounts.” Prof. Yates continued, “There is as yet absolutely no evidence to link 5G with mass amnesia, but we are unable to explain what would cause such a massive shift of focus in the online turdblossom community. As recently as February they were adamant that Muslims were the biggest threat to civilisation as we know it. Them and Jeremy Corbyn.”
“However, in recent weeks we have seen their attention drawn to a very different threat in the form of a deadly virus. Only extensive scientific research will tell us why they now perceive a very real threat to be more serious than a totally imaginary one. Furthermore, they still blame Corbyn.”
It isn’t just social media users who appear to have been affected. Sources have reported that some 300,000 NHS staff have completely forgotten the Hippocratic Oath and are now lining up to punch Matt Hancock in the throat.
It appears that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining.