A new, highly infectious virus – Goveid-19 – has reached pandemic proportions throughout the UK, an investigation by The Rochdale Herald has revealed.

Goveid-19 was first detected during the Conservative Party leadership election campaign in 2016 but was not at the time thought to be anything other than a minor irritant. The first person infected was Michael Gove, after whom the virulent disease has been named. The first sign of infection was a loss of his charisma and he wound up having as much as a used condom floating in the piss-filled gutter of a public house car park in South London.

Gove transmogrified into a golem, seemingly fabricated entirely out of smegma and was cursed with viscid, glistening perspiration. He was demonically given the ability to perambulate and gifted with a semblance of speech while remaining unable to tell the truth in any way, shape or form.

Goveid-19 is now spreading rapidly throughout the population. Public Health England have asked the public to be alert for the following symptoms:

  • Feverish perspiration.
  • Setting up border posts between houses on your street with the aim of ‘ending freedom of movement’.
  • Telling your family that you are definitely not going to set up border posts between rooms in your own house and then doing just that.
  • An overwhelming desire to stab your friends in the back.
  • Union Flag lapel pins.

Should you develop any of these symptoms, please self-isolate for the rest of your life. There is no cure.