The UK government has announced that Covid-19 testing has now far surpassed the target figure, coming in at 1 million a day.
Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, explained the new figures have been broadened to include all the tests he’s thought about.
Speaking at the daily briefing Hancock told media figures, “My imagination is an incredibly powerful tool in getting control of this virus. We now have the capacity to think about over a million tests a day and that means they’re as good as done. Not only that but I can picture the results being great, so they are.”
Home Secretary, Priti Patel has faced criticism as some suggest that imagined tests are not the same as physical, corporeal ones. In response Patel argued, “I’m sorry that you’re wrong and made yourself look like a complete dickhead but the numbers are actually very clear. Due to the efficient imagination of Matt Hancock testing has increased by two-hundred and ninety five hundred thousand, four hundred and two thousand five percent.”
The NHS have reported a huge increase of spinal injuries following the announcement as Conservatives attempt to pat themselves on the back.