Before 2020, Rochdale mum Di Coughlan had rarely posted anything other than pictures of her adorable children and grimacing husband.  That all changed a couple of months ago, when a new profile filter “#Stay Home – It Could Save Lives” appeared, alongside a seemingly never ending set of rants about such topics as people going to the park at the same time as Di wanted to go there with her kids. 

She was also vexed by the queues of people trying to get into Tesco when she was trying to get into Tesco, the people walking around the street when she was walking around her street, and the noise of her neighbours’ TV which forced her to turn Netflix up.  It seemed everyone was getting in the way of her normal routing, stopping her from just “Di-ing”.

However, as the end of the Easter Holiday this was replaced with tales of how Ms Couglan is “beyond appalled” at the “so called Teachers Unions telling the governments what teachers want to do”.  

She was quite sure that many “wise teachers” would #resist the “politicisation of the opening of schools.”  Still sporting her “#Stay Home” filter, she informed several of her friends that she had categorically never caught so much as a cold from her kids, so they should go back to school.

Former friend Mehdi Al-Professional told the Herald “I just asked her whether she was sure that was true, and she banned and blocked me.  I mean Sebastian is a perpetually snot nosed feral creature and I’m sure I’ve had about five colds off him last year, so it seemed far fetched.”

However, having received a letter from Ms Coughlan’s lawyers, the Herald can inform you that the notion that her children are walking little petri dishes prone to licking doorknobs is false.  Just because every mewling ball of sick and pus you ever encountered in primary school is an incredibly obvious vector for symptomless transmission does not mean they should be drawing on Di’s walls in crayon for a second longer than is necessary.

So there, lefty councils and unions.