Some of Britain’s top scientists have issued a stark warning ahead of the long-awaited rollout of 5G mobile networks across the country.
In an exclusive interview via Skype, Professor Ray D. Yates of Rochdale Community College told The Herald, “Since early 2016 we have undertaken extensive research into the harmful effects of mobile technology. Results show conclusive evidence of a sharp rise in exposure to potentially lethal levels of pseudoscience, conspiracy theories and complete and utter bollocks.”
Prof. Yates continued, “Obviously this is a massive concern to us, as it should be to the public as a whole. The rate at which this bullshit proliferates is genuinely alarming, and we anticipate it will only get worse, much worse, with the introduction of ultra high-speed 5G networks.”
The new technology is widely being touted as being ten times faster than existing 4G networks, which apparently already exist in some parts of the country, and the prospect of an impending tsunami of weapons-grade poppycock is getting a mixed reception, and some people are finding it very worrying.
“I find it very worrying,” Penny Sillen, 89 told our reporter. “I caught herpes from a phone box in 1971. If they’d told us told how dangerous this 5G was then I would’ve thought twice about using it. Isn’t that David Icke a lovely young man? I’m 89-years-old you know!”
YouTube have already started removing 5G conspiracy videos from their service to protect their servers from meltdown when idiots discover that they can watch up to 1000% more bullshit each day, sometimes before it has even been posted.
The Herald team have been scouring the internet for advice on how to best protect yourself from excessive bullshit online, and after weeding out the obvious twaddle, we have compiled a helpful list.
- Turn off some of the G’s on your phone when you aren’t using them. One or two G’s is sufficient for simple updates or sharing informative posts. You may need to increase this if you intend to actually read the posts before sharing.
- Avoid conference calls or group chats as these increase the risk of spreading unmitigated bollocks exponentially.
- Use a two-metre selfie stick when browsing social media. This will protect against careless pressing of the ‘share’ button.
- Before reposting from sources such as The Daily Mail, Katie Hopkins or Nigel Farage, be sure to sterilise your phone first by boiling it in bleach for at least an hour.
- Read a fucking book!