A Bolton man says he fears that 5 aside football pitch flood light is actually a secret 5G mast that will cause him to develop cancer. 38 year old Bill Board told us that he fears the mast is a plan by the Government to kill him with cancer. Bill, who got a U grade in GCSE Science and spent the 2 year course telling teachers that he didn’t understand why he should study science as he was never going to need it when he was joining the Army explained that he likes to do his own research into these things.

Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, “It’s a load of rubbish obviously and all the studies demonstrate that. The problem we have at the moment is that at some point society decided it was cruel to tell the terminally thick that they’re terminally thick. Now equal weight is given to Bill’s opinions as say that of a research team of Physicists and medical doctors looking into the effects of 5G on people. Then, because Bill is terminally stupid he’s incapable of understanding the evidence but nobody can challenge him because he has a right to an opinion no matter how stupid, ignorant and uninformed.”

Professor Seddon went on, “To a large extent the media has a lot to answer for. Whether its newspapers badly reporting about the carcinogenic properties of various molecules to the harmfulness of GMO’s and nuclear power they’ve all had a part in encouraging total idiots into thinking they’re making informed choices.”

“The BBC are just as bad. They take a scientific subject and interview a scientist on it then, for “balance”, they interview somebody that was in Eldorado or Nigel Farage to explain why the scientist doesn’t know what they’re talking about and that in fact they are part of an establishment cover up. Now they’re wondering why people are burning down 5G masts. Perhaps they should add a bit of context by reporting other areas of the news in the same way? For instance, they could take the same approach with Match of the Day. Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer could spend 10 minutes discussing the highlights of Man City v Liverpool then Nigel Lawson could be invited to spend 10 minutes explaining that what they’ve just seen is evidence that football doesn’t exist and that Gary and Alan are in fact part of an elaborate establishment cover up.”

Bill’s friend, Stan Still told us, “Yeah Bill’s pretty stupid. He’ll say stuff like he only smokes when he goes out but since the lockdown he’s still been getting through 20 fags a day and I don’t think there’s been a night he hasn’t sunk 8 pints since it all started. If he gets cancer he’ll blame 5G. He’ll buy any white powder and stick it up his nose. He once spent a week in Ibiza snorting horse laxatives. We only found out because he attempted to sue this bar we always went to because he said they were giving him dodgy pints as he always had the squits the rest of the night after we’d left.”

It’s unclear when society will go back to telling the terminally stupid they’re terminally stupid and ignoring them but there are signs this may be close as Donal Trump has encouraged his supporters to inject bleach to fight Coronavirus.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.