A Rochdale woman has told her friends that she’s definitely not addicted to her smartphone, whilst reading a news story about people being addicted to their smartphones on her smartphone.

Lindsay Ellis, 26, told her friends on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram that the idea of smartphone addiction was ridiculous and dismissed reports that people were checking their phones on average every twelve minutes, whilst typing on a phone that she looks at approximately every 78 seconds.

“Smartphone are undoubtedly an important part of modern life but I find it difficult to believe that people would be lost without them,” she said in an email to the Herald, written on her smartphone.

“I only use mine for staying in touch with friends and random people I’ve met over the years, ordering taxis, organising events, asking people for advice, taking photos of my food, doing my weekly shop, buying clothes, downloading music, watching TV shows, looking for directions, making payments, checking my balance, searching for single people in my area, booking flights, reading the news, reviewing places I’ve visited, seeing how many steps I’ve walked, and replying to emails.

“Sure, I make the occasional phone call to my parents, but apart from that I barely touch it.”

Speaking to the Herald via the Facebook Messenger app on his smartphone, Professor Graham Spigot from Rochdale Community University explained that smartphones had become a way for people to retreat from the stresses of the modern world, most of which, ironically, only exist because of smartphones.

“Let’s face it, people are fucking horrible,” he typed. “Why would you waste your time actually interacting with other human beings on a physical level, when you can watch silly cat videos or anonymously abuse people you disagree with on Twitter instead?

“I check my phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night, not because I need to know what’s happening online but because I don’t want to know what’s going on in the real world.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, some idiot just posted an article I disagree with on Facebook and I feel an overwhelming compulsion to call them a prick.”

The author of this article would like to reassure you that it was definitely not written on his smartphone whilst he was sitting on the toilet. Though you’re probably sitting on the toilet reading it on your own smartphone. You should probably wash your hands, either way.