Newly-appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will celebrate his confirmation later today by throwing a massive kegger at the White House, sources have confirmed.
Kavanaugh, whose nomination was mired by allegations of drunken impropriety during his college years, told a press conference that he felt honoured to have been considered for the position, which will make him one of the most powerful legal figures in the United States.
“Supreme Court, baby! Wooooooo!” he said, before smashing a beer can off his head and chugging the contents.
The appointment is seen as a major victory for President Donald Trump and will see the country’s highest court take a significant lurch to the right, something that has delighted his conservative fanbase. The US Senate voted 50-48 in favour of Kavanaugh’s appointment, with Republicans once again proving that they are only interested in being the party of ‘Christian values’ when it gives them a chance to discriminate against women and homosexuals.
After announcing details of the kegger, Kavanaugh sought to alleviate concerns that his appointment would see the gradual erosion of rights and civil liberties for women and minority groups.
“Bros before hoes! Bros before hoes!” he yelled at journalists, before tearing off his shirt and hammering a tap into a keg of Bud Light using his gavel.
The party, which will be held in a marquee in the White House Rose Garden, is likely to be attended by a large number of Republican donors, lobbyists, and politicians. It is understood that a few select Democrats will also be allowed to attend on the condition that they pass a hazing ceremony overseen by Mitch McConnell. Although details of the ceremony remain secret, McConnell has reportedly been seen entering the building carrying black face paint, several large root vegetables and a life-size cardboard cut-out of Hillary Clinton.
President Trump continued to heap praise on Kavanaugh this afternoon, tweeting that he had shown “tremendous courage” in the face of “vicious and fake” sexual assault allegations, before telling him to forget about the previous week’s stress and “party like it’s 1988”. It is believed that Trump will join the kegger later in the evening, with several sources claiming that he has been asking where he can buy some Goldschlager so that he can “totally get with that hot chick Ivanka”.
Meanwhile, Republican politicians across the country have been hurriedly booking their mistresses in for abortions before Kavanaugh inevitably helps to overturn Roe Vs Wade.