POTAUS Donald Trump has announced the creation of a Coronavirus Czar charged with coordinating the US’s response to Coronavirus. He revealed that Doogie Howser M.D. has been appointed.

In a 5 hour rambling announcement POTATUS said, “We have the best people in place to deal with this. I’ve appointed Doogie Howser M.D. to lead our response. I’ve seen him in action and he’s a great doctor. He performed a tracheotomy on someone in a restaurant once and he was only 13. Once he’s finished with Coronavirus he’s going to work on Ivana. It’s Doogie time.”

“People have been criticising our response. Well we’ve now got the best doctor in charge of this thing and, I just came from a prayer meeting with Mike Pence. Mike’s been praying and praying like, millions of times a day. It really is the least we can do.”

Neil Patrick Harris, who starred as Howser told us, “He’s had me locked in this cupboard for 4 days. Please let me out. Send for help. The other day he wanted me to examine his prostate. He also makes me mash cauliflower into his mashed potatoes. I don’t think I’ll last much longer. Coronavirus will be a blessed relief.”

A White House spokesman said, “We attempted to explain the concept of TV to him but he just doesn’t get it. He’s even tried contacting Dusin Hoffman about finding a cure following his work in Africa in the ’90’s. I’ve no idea how to explain that Outbreak wasn’t a documentary.”

We tried contacting Dustin Hoffman for comment but he has so far refused.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.