Scientists have revealed that significantly lower brain function can lead to being a footballer.
Researchers said they had identified “significantly lower levels of brain function” as a common factor amongst many footballers who, the study shows “tend to be a bit thick.”
GCSE performance was reduced by between 41% and 67% in those who played football for the School side and in clubs up and down the country. One of the study’s authors suggested that wanting to play football should be identified as a key flag for educational professionals.
Professor Crispin Poshboy-Ruggerbugger of The University of Chelsea & Kensington had his study published in the college Rag-Mag. “It’s not Rocket Science, is it?” he told The Rochdale Herald. “Rugby is full of Doctors & Solicitors. Football is played by people who won’t talk to Graeme LeSaux because he can tie his own shoelaces and call him Gay for reading the Guardian.
“In fairness, it’s highly likely he would be called a pinko-lefty-trot-Corbynista for reading The Grauniad at our club, but you take my point, right?”
“I don’t know why we bothered even studying this really” he continued “I mean it’s pretty obvious. All that ‘110%’…’it’s a game of two halves but we’re just not at the races’ bollocks and John Motson constantly mistaking co-incidence for irony, the pikey fucker.”
A spokesman for the Professional Footballers Association said “This study clearly needs further investigation as it highlights some important issues.
“However, for the time being, fuck you, you posh boy twat and look at my Ferrari….dick head!”