Several women have taken to the top of ambulances in their latest quest for reassurance about their weight

Becky Donaldson, 23, is fairly confident she isn’t fat.  But occasionally, she likes reassurance.  Normally she gets this by fucking a guy on tinder who then doesn’t call her again.  But she’d prefer to receive it from lots of guys at the same time, it’s what her Spanx should be bringing her.

So too would her friend, Patty Bovinson, 22.  So between the two of them, they contrived to dance for a group of drunken dickheads, after the latest pit stop on football’s much delayed journey home.  

Hefting themselves up on to the top of the nearest ambulance, they gyrated for the lads, enquiring as to whether the squeal of tortured metal collapsing beneath them made their bums look big.  

Then Patty got her tits out, again, for the lads.

Across town, a fat dad, who has asthma and definitely isn’t Bradley Wiggins, but well, looks a bit like him, if Bradley was a fat asthmatic dickhead, stomped up and down on some other car roof.

The combined effect of the dancing was the destruction of the emergency vehicle and some other person’s car.  However, the police have confirmed that as all participants were white, no investigation will be conducted.

Here at the Herald, we have a simple message for you.  We hate fat shaming people, indeed, many of our writers have gravy for blood.  But as Tommy bending for soap Robinson is my witness, can you not get on emergency vehicles when you are a porker?  Is that too much to ask?

Football continues its journey home, deeply disappointed by you fat shites, and those wangers that wrecked an IKEA.  Can we please just enjoy this without your bullshit?

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?