John Terry has announced he’s leaving Aston Villa today. Terry said he was leaving so that he could spend more time with Wayne Bridge’s wife and kids.

Terry told the assembled press, “It’s been rough for the kids. Their mum had an affair and their dad left them. They’ve not been the same since. Wayne Jr. is doing his GCSE’s this year. As somebody who got an F for woodwork at school I feel I should guide him a bit. It’s the kids I feel for during family breakdowns. The strain can knock them totally off course.”

Wayne Bridge told us, “At the end of the day John Terry wants to take a long hard look at himself. I had lots of chances but was unable to bury it. I’m sorry but I’m not having that, I think the best man lost during that divorce battle. I didn’t think that Terry was that sort of play but you live and learn. You’ve got to hand it to him. He’s a good tactician and got a great two feet so I was beaten by the better team. I just feel for the fams. I let them down at the end of the day and I’ve got to live with that.”

It’s understood that Terry revealed his decision to leave Aston Villa by wearing the full Real Madrid kit to training for the last session before the end of the season.

Terry says that he intends to use the extra time he now has to pursue other player’s wives.

In other football news, Wayne Rooney confirmed he maybe on the move again. It’s rumoured he could be heading to America to pursue other peoples grandmas.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.