A Brazilian woman and her South African friend, who have both recently attained British citizenship, have been reported to the authorities after announcing that they will be supporting Brazil in the football.

Artemisa Yousir, originally from Forteleza on the North East coast of Brazil, made the announcement this morning.

Ms Yousir and her South African friend Anzelle De Freighttrain were immediately reported to the authorities for being in contravention of the rules governing their British citizenship.

These rules clearly state that, once a foreign national has been granted British citizen status, they MUST support England (which takes precedent over the other home nations) in the football.

Colonel William Beard from MI7 told The Rochdale Herald “We take these lapses in citizenship very seriously. We’ve developed a new technique which we employ in cases such as these. We call it Crumpetboarding.

“It’s the British version of what the Americans call Waterboarding and we find it very effective indeed,” Colonel Beard explained. “During Crumpetboarding, Earl Gray tea is poured over a lace doily covering the face and breathing passages of an immobilized captive who has had a buttered crumpet stuffed into their mouth, causing the individual to experience the sensation of extreme Englishness.

“We expect Yousir and De Freighttrain to be wearing twin sets and pearls before the end of the day”

The use of Crumpetboarding is expected to be extended to included such lapses in citizenship as not standing for the National Anthem, not wearing a poppy on Remembrance Sunday and not placing all your savings in an offshore bank account.

Thomas Thomas is Sub-Editor for The Rochdale Herald. Thomas is proud to support such causes as "Cornwall for Jam First" and "Drop Scones Not Bombs". His personal motto is "Fuck it, why not?"