The Vatican has tonight declared an official miracle following England’s penalty shootout victory over some goat farmers from Colombia. The victory is the first since Harry “18 bites” Short scored the winning penalty against Galicia in the 1922 European Cup quarter final.

The Pope was speaking from Italy where the mood amongst the locals is very quiet as it isn’t football season there. Pope Francis said, “It may seem odd that the Catholic Church is declaring a miracle for a team that comes from a Protestant country. It is even stranger as I am an Argentinian but the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Following the game many people rushed to confirm that England can definitely go all the way and win the whole tournament now. They just have to get past some part time mechanics from Sweden and then probably beat Russia in a replay of the Crimean War.

England had been 1-0 up before conceding a late equaliser and attempting to grab defeat from the jaws of victory. One England fan said, “When Jordan Henderson missed I was thinking, here we go. I went to the bogs and then discovered we’d won. I’ve cried more in the last 30 minutes than I did at my mums funeral.”

Many other England fans were left to ponder if this is the real England that is playing. One said, “I think we should definitely check these people’s passports. They must not have read the script or something.”

Should England beat Sweden they’ll play either a team of peasant collective farm workers from Russia or some Croatian tractor factory workers.

It’s understood that the FA will seek to capitalize on the miracle by opening up Wembley Stadium as a site of pilgrimage in an effort to rival Lourdes.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.