Gareth Southgate has revealed that his plan to completely disappoint loads of English people is going exactly according to plan.

At a press conference Southgate said, “Expectations for this tournament were so low when we started that we realized we had a lot of work to do. We knew we couldn’t just turn up, get a draw against Tunisia and then lose to Panama. Those two wins have put us right back up there. Argentina look like they’re going out and Germany, Brazil and Spain haven’t been amazing so it’s just what we need to start people thinking that maybe we can do something.”

Southgate revealed that the main obstacle now is Belgium. “Huge game against Belgium now. If we go out and get hammered or just scrape a win then expectations will go back to what they were. But if we can win comfortably, maybe by as much as 4-1 it’s going to be set for a huge disappointment in the knock out stages.”

Southgate went on, “A last 16 win against someone like Denmark would be good. Then we’d be into the quarters. We’d have to start asking ourselves, do we lose here or go for a semi loss?”

Asked who he’d like to go out against Southgate said, “Losing on penalties to Germany would be a dream. After playing 89 minutes with a 1-0 lead then conceding in injury time and losing on penalties. That would be pretty disappointing. If not Germany then maybe losing to Russia on some contentious handball decision.”

It’s understood that the cue for England to lose on penalties will be when politicians start getting involved. Southgate said, “The second somebody tables a motion for a national holiday should England win or a discussion on whether Harry Kane should accept the trophy from Vladimir Putin. That’ll be the key.”

Other signs that England will look for are when Boris Johnson arrives at Sheremetyevo airport in a full England kit and telling anybody who will listen that the England performance demonstrates the bright future Brexit will bring. “Losing on penalties to Germany 2 hours later would definitely be worth it” said Southgate.

Southgate also revealed the teams preparations for such a loss. “I’ve got Raheem Sterling to send the keeper the wrong way then hit the post or cross bar. He’ll definitely get a lucrative Pizza Hut deal out of that.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.