God has revealed that he absolutely cannot stand Cristiano Ronaldo so he chose to favour Uruguay in yesterday’s last 16 game.

God or, The Word as he prefers to be known took time from his busy Sunday morning schedule to speak exclusively to The Rochdale Herald. “When the players came out they were both crossing themselves and looking up at me. It is only fair that I show them who I love more by deigning who wins the game. On the one had you had Suarez who bites opponents. The 18th commandment that I gave to Moses said, “Thou shalt not bite opponents.” Unfortunately Moses couldn’t carry the stones all in one go so I just let him leave with the 10 commandments. Anyway, to cut a long story short I wasn’t favourable towards Uruguay.”

The Word revealed that he was swayed in his judgement that Uruguay should in fact win the game when he remembered Cristiano Ronaldo plays for Portugal. “I watched him dive on the floor and saw him invoking me and thought he was a total melt. It was at that point I realized I’d created a monster that needed to learn a good bit of humility. So, I set in play that Cavani goal. The angels loved that one.”

The Word also had time to comment on which of the 2 main branches of Christianity he intends to favour in today’s match between Roman Catholic Spain and Russian Orthodox Russia. The Word said, “Who knows. I haven’t made my mind up yet. The romantic in me wants to favour Russia as it’s too long since Orthodox Christianity had anything to shout about. In fact, The Battle of Kleidion was probably the last time I truly favoured them. My heart says Russia but my head says Spain. I’ll give it some though and see if St Michael has an opinion.”

Although he refused to reveal who he was favouring in today’s Russia v Spain game The Word did tell us that Denmark haven’t got a chance. “The Viking nations were always heathens. They only converted for the divine favour in wars. They never liked me more than Thor anyway. I may even send some thunderbolts down.”

The Word was also quite effusive about Argentina. “I used to like them. But now I just think that Maradonna is a tit. I know he’s spent his life snorting the bounty I provided but really, that stuff wasn’t meant for that. Argentina will not win another World Cup until they renounce Maradonna. He invoked the hand of God which means he is trying to say he is me. Everyone knows I’m just a jealous guy and you should only worship me.”

And with that, The Word left the interview to go and see which children had received enough Facebook likes to ure them of their Cancer.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.